A couple of weeks ago, my daughter cooked dinner for the family. She’d made Pad Thai with rice noodles. It was delicious. She’d even sprinkled herbs and chilli flakes on the top, so it looked great too.
Do you know what I said when I tasted it?
“This is great - really nice and it looks beautiful. Next time, to make it perfect, maybe put the noodles in a bit later so they don’t overcook.”
I knew, as soon as I’d said it, it was the wrong thing to say - and I felt awful. But I couldn’t take it back.
Quite rightly, my daughter called me out.
“Dad, you didn’t have to say that.”
“Just say it was nice”
As a dad, I just want my kids to be happy - but I also want them to be prepared for the world, so I try to teach them things when I can. Sometimes, though, I get the balance wrong.
This was one of those moments.
At that moment, she didn’t need a lesson - she just needed recognition.
Don’t have the last word
I see this behaviour all the time in leaders.
Whether it is in meetings, comments in Google Docs or Slack messages, many leaders just have this unstoppable urge to give feedback - however small and inconsequential.
When I ask leaders about it, they almost always say things like, “I’m just helping,” “I’m giving my opinion” or “I want it to be perfect.” They don’t see a problem with this behaviour – and often have no idea how it makes their team feel.
When I ask the employees, they tell me things like “he doesn’t trust me” “She doesn’t think I’m good at my job.”
Consequently many are afraid of making mistakes.
Trust your team
When I tell a leader that their team feels they aren’t trusted, they’re often surprised. More often than not, the leaders have no idea that their small habits are being interpreted the way they are and therefore, when told that they need to trust their team more, do not know what specific behaviours they have to change.
One small bit of advice that many leaders have found particularly helpful is.
“Don’t have the last word.”
Tip of the week
Next time someone asks for your opinion on some work - and it is good enough - just say:
“Well done”
“Good job.”
And leave it there.
But … if I don’t give feedback how will the team improve?
I often get a lot of pushback on this from leaders. What if the work isn’t good enough? They need to learn? Etc etc.
Of course – if the work doesn’t meet the brief or isn’t up to standard, then feedback is needed. But if it meets the requirements, works, and you’re mostly happy with it, let those minor tweaks go. (See: Jocko Willink – Extreme Ownership)
If your team feels trusted, they’ll not only be happier in their work – they’ll also feel more confident to take risks, innovate, and ultimately make a bigger impact.
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I am Richard Clarke, I write, speak and teach about workplace happiness and how you can use the science of wellbeing to improve team performance. If you want to make your team perform better or just want to make them a little happier I run company workshops, webinars and keynote talks. You can see what I do on richardclarke.eu.
It's hard sometimes Richard. But sometimes it is best to bite your tongue and let things go or wait until the more opportune moment.